As a doula, I try very hard not to place my personal experiences on new and expecting moms. Once in a while I will support a mom who has gone through a miscarriage. I listen to her fears, anxieties and I hear her pain, but I also hear hope and the desire to have a baby.
A miscarriage is nothing you can explain, but complete loss and loneliness. I know about the devastation of a miscarriage because I have suffered six myself. What do you say? What do you do? For me, I cried a lot. I leaned on my husband and family and friends for support and I saw a therapist. Each person offered different support, but in the end, as many of you know, you cope in your own way. I held on to strength and the hope that one day I would hold my baby.
Each loss was different; some I was further a long and some I wasn’t. Some losses were quick and others dragged on. I even held one of my babies in my hand. When I say that out loud, my whole body reacts. I get goose bumps, my heart skips a beat and I get very emotional. But do you know how many women have been in my shoes? Too many.
About 1 in 4 women have suffered a miscarriage. We are all desperate to know why and how we can fix it so we can have our baby. When you have tried for several months to have a baby and then you end up loosing it, you feel like nothing is going to get better and that the world is against you. Just like any death though, time heals. Each day gets a little better and brighter and eventually you move forward, but you never forget.
I sought out help, but we never truly understood why I was loosing baby after baby. I felt that we should keep trying even when doctors said to take a break. I now have a 17 month old son and I am 21 weeks pregnant. Both of those pregnancies were conceived by chance. When I found out I was pregnant, we decided to try progesterone, but I am not even sure that’s what made each one successful. In all of this, my anxieties haven’t gone a way. I have learned to cope by sharing my story and knowing I am not alone. You are not alone.
The face behind a loss is you and me, your neighbour, and the women who sits next to you at work. So many women and so many losses. There is no right or wrong way to deal with your loss, but if you feel like things are not getting better, that’s when it is very important to talk with your doctor. Never let the loss take over your life.
I still think about my losses every day, but now I am able to see through the despair and pain. Now I see a strong woman who has been through several challenges in her birth journey. This is my story and there are so many more out there. Maybe you have one and maybe you’ll share it one day. I hope you will. We need to unite as women and stick together as it helps us stay strong and hopeful.